Parenting Teenagers

Lately, several parents asked: "Where is my teen's anger coming from?" Teenagers, like adults, experience stress every day. The stubborn and argumentative teen is fighting for independence and less control by his or her parents. An angry teen is battling with daily difficulties and is trying to make sense of emotional issues, such as:

• changes in their bodies
• trying to establish an identity
• dealing with friends
• positive and negative peer pressure
• school demands
• separation or divorce of parents
• being accused of something they did not do
• being treated unfairly
• not getting a chance to voice their opinion
• chronic illness or death of a loved one
• taking on too many activities
• parents' high expectations

It's no surprise that our teens might become overloaded with stress. Teenagers have poor coping skills, and getting angry is the only way they know how to avoid feeling sad, hurt, or afraid.

Teens also have unreasonable expectations, especially if they are used to getting what they want when they want it. If this does not happen, or they realize that things are not always within their control - they get angry.

Their anger can take many forms - some teens might repress their anger and withdraw, while others get defiant, destructive or turn to alcohol and drugs.

Various situations can bring out feelings of anger. Parents are often caught by surprise and react by either yelling or arguing back, or punishing their teen for showing their anger.

Instead, parents need to see this show of anger or rage as a signal that their teen may be lacking problem solving skills, or is overwhelmed by the demands of his or her daily live.

Fortunately parents have many options to help their teens through their frustration and cope with everyday pressure:

• Ask your teen what unresolved conflict he or she is facing
• Listen to your teen
• Focus on his or her feelings
• Understand the situation from your teen's perspective
• Help your teen work towards a solution
• Show your teenager that you care

Unresolved issues can escalate to physical violence, addictions, and psychosomatic disorders. This can devastate your teens life by destroying relationships, clouding effective thinking, and ruining his or her future. Seek professional help for your teen, yourself, and or your family if necessary.

Christina Botto has been a sought-after mediator between parents and their teens for more than 20 years. She has helped hundreds of parents who are struggling with teen behavior, in person as well as through her books. Botto is the author of Help Me With My Teenager! A Step-by-step Guide for Parents that Works, Showing Your Teen that You Care, Monitoring Your Teenager, and Troubled Teenagers – Dealing with Tough Issues.

"I am the father of a 16 year old son. Last night he and I had an episode. I went to the net, looking for articles on parenting angry teenagers. I saw a short article on Christina's book and bought it in a matter of seconds. I read most of it last night. It's as though she was describing me and my son. Her book is fantastic. Thank you for the insight, Christina."
Clifford W., Baton Rouge, LA

"Botto's book helped me understand my son better. Instead of getting angry at him, I now meet him with love and compassion. Our relationship is improving every day. I feel that I am a much better dad to my son by giving him the support he needs. I recommend this book to any parent of a teen."
Anthony C., Raleigh, NC