Parenting Teenagers

You will be surprised to hear that very few teenagers actually like to argue with their parents. It makes your teen feel unimportant and misunderstood.

Some teens will walk away from an argument throwing "You just don't understand!" your way, while others stubbornly keep trying to get you to hear what they are saying - and parent and teen wind up in a heated argument.

Arguments drive people apart, and you and your teen are no exception.

Why is it so easy to argue with a teenager?

Lack of expression - Due to the teen's lack of communication skills, their questions are easily perceived as criticism by parents - and we get defensive.

Desire to be independent - Teens want to be independent and have some input and control over their lives. They want to be able to make small decisions on their own, without the parent telling them how and when.

Curiosity - Teens are starting to get interested in life and what goes on around them. In their awkward way, they are attempting to get at the reason for our actions. They form opinions and wonder if our way is the only way.

Single-minded - If your teen feels he is being controlled or pressured, he will either resort to stubbornly ignoring you and what you are saying, or he will argue.

In fact, your teen could get so focused on getting his way or to have his opinion heard, that nothing else will matter to him. For instance, repeatedly asking your teen to do his homework could result in him not doing his homework at all - and your teen will not consider how this will affect his grades.

A few simple steps to avoid this type of stubborn opposition:

Give your teen responsibility. Instead of arguing with your teen about homework, monitor his or her grades. Your teen may do surprisingly well. If not, you have a basis to sit down with your teen and discuss a plan on how to improve his or her grades.

Allow your teen to make decisions on matters you know he can handle. At the same time, let him know that you are ready and available if he needs help. Involving your teen in decisions about him does not take away a parent's power, but it shows your teen that you accept him as an individual and are ready to give him a chance.

Assign tasks, but step back and let your teen handle the details. There is a very good chance your teen will do the task differently than you would. For some parents it will not be easy at all to let the teen try it a different way when you know what works, but allow your teen to experiment.

Either you and your teenager will find that there is another way to come to the same result, or your teen will have to admit, after several wasted hours, that your way is the right way after all.

Some tips to avoid getting into heated arguments:

Don't allow your teen to get loud - Your teen needs to learn that not everybody has to think alike and that it is possible to discuss matters peacefully even if you don't share the same opinion.

You are in charge - Parents can end a conversation at any time and continue as soon as you both calmed down. Don't allow your teen to get rude.

Control your emotions - What your teen is saying might make absolutely no sense, lack any logic, or may be impossible. Don't let your emotions take over; stay calm, focused, and discuss facts.

Listen and ask questions - Restate what your teen is saying or asking to make sure you both are still on the same page. Find out where his or her opinion is coming from.

Once your teen feels that you are paying attention to what he or she is saying, whether you are validating it or not, they will no longer feel the need to argue in order to get their point across.

It also teaches your teen that he or she can indeed work with you through important life decisions. You will be surprised how quickly you will see a difference in the way you and your teen interact.

Christina Botto has been a sought-after mediator between parents and their teens for more than 20 years. She has helped hundreds of parents who are struggling with teen behavior, in person as well as through her books. Botto is the author of Help Me With My Teenager! A Step-by-step Guide for Parents that Works, Showing Your Teen that You Care, Monitoring Your Teenager, and Troubled Teenagers – Dealing with Tough Issues.

"Christina has been such a help to me in raising my teenage son. He and I now have clearly defined roles and boundaries, and we are closer than ever. Thank you Christina for your advice, your patience, and your grace."
Timothy Ready, Ocala, Florida